Last weekend was a horrible weekend. Everything in CS was in a mess and confusion because there were missing information and I could not really answer for it because I was not sure where and what went wrong.

Did I forget to paste the records into the database?
Did I forget to KEY in to the database?
Or?

I was confused as almost everyone come up to me and asked me for this and asked me for that. Saturday was not so bad, but as I served for Sunday, it got worse.

Stock take was not done, so I got Aaron to do it for me, and then as I tidied and did up the stock take for redemption. And one customer came to ask about something, and as I saw JY standing there, I assumed she would handle it, and I just busied myself with the redemption items, who knows JY pulled me from the amc table to stand in front of the request counter and listen to the customer.

I was like huh?

So as I listened, and took down the requests, my mind was a whirl, I couldn't really think properly. Earlier that morning, JY mentioned something about my handling of cs, and said it wasn't too proper and that I shouldn't do this and shouldn't do that. My whole morning was like so heavy because I really questioned myself if I am handling matters the right way. And half the time JY was grouchy at me, and it did not help any bit at all to lighten my mood.

And near the end of the day, at closing, I can't wait to leave cs because every unsolved matter and cases were all hurled to me and I felt suffocated. And JY spoke to me more about how she felt with what I’m doing. And I got really angry at her there and then, but I did not show it. I just acted like I heard her, and then I left the place.

At that moment when she spoke to me, I felt like retorting her back.

Do YOU have any idea what I am doing back end? I don't just handle expo requests and redemptions, I handle so many things, I had to call up hundreds of people every week, and then I have to do stuffs for boss, and then I have to assist Val, assist Gillian, Morgan and whoever that needs me. If I just do expo matters alone, fine, I WAS wrong to not do it properly, u can holler all you want, but I AM NOT.

So don't give me that you-think-I-should-not-do-this-but-do-this preaching. I am so not in the mood for it.

But of course, I did not say that to JY, I told her I had something on and left the place with Aaron, feeling light on the outside, and miserable on the inside.

And Phebe had to tell me something she overheard about some people, and I half suspected that the people were talking about me, and it just plunged me deeper into my miserable emotions.

Stupid thoughts were running in my mind, contradicting my faith toward my work and toward my ministry. By the time I was at the MRT station, I had thoughts of quitting Attributes and quitting the ministry because I start to question if I was doing the right thing, serving the right ministry.

I was really on the verge of breaking down and I badly needed someone to confide in. so I SMS-ed some people, hoping that they would offer a listening ear to me.

And thank goodness, Edmund called me, and listened to me.

I was so grateful to him, and as we talked, I almost cried in the train. I had tears in my eyes but I swallowed them back in because I know once I start, it will be in a mess. And I had members with me, and they would kick up a fuss over what happened to me and it would be worse.

I felt immediately better after the talk with Edmund, not sure if it's because of his patient attitude, or his soothing and calm voice, or because he helped me sort things out between me and JY. But I was really grateful. I could hang out with my members with a genuine smile after that.

Thanks Phebe dear for the concern, I really appreciate it. =)

I was pretty disappointed that the person I expect to ring me or SMS me did not responded at all. It just added to how much of misery I felt before Edmund called me. I do not expect much, but I just needed a little concern from you when I needed you the most. And if it were a casual message that don't require much attention, I wouldn’t mind much if you did not reply, but I can’t imagine that when I said I was feeling miserable and you just ignored it. Even if u were busy, I think a short reply like, "sorry busy right now, call u later, take care k." wouldn’t take much out of you? And you even forgot about it into the night. I was pretty hurt and crazy thoughts just flashed into my mind again. This is not the first time I felt ignored by you.

Is this really too much to expect?

And whenever I talked about such stuffs, you would just brush it off with a brief explanation; throw in an apology and round it up with ‘Okay, I don’t wish to talk about this.’

Do you have an idea how hurt I was? No?

Or honestly, over the time, you just don’t feel the need to show your attention over me, your friend, anymore? If that’s the case, I’m sorry to have bothered you in the beginning.

I am not doing emotional blackmail, nor complaining, nor throwing a pity party. I just want to tell you how I felt.

I just want to adopt a truthful confession between friends, and if there’s anything wrong with me, you can feel comfortable telling me off, and vice versa. I am just drained to always have to wonder why you don’t reply me, and why I don’t feel led to want to confide in you.

I guess we’re all drained with all the matters that are pushing and swallowing us up from the outside. Maybe the solution is to take time off and cool ourselves down, and think through.

What do you think?